I Trust You

Trust. Why is it so hard to trust? Trust is an issue that many, many people have problems consuming. It is the epitome of a deal breaker, in any sort of relationship. I have never been a person to question peoples' intentions. Apparently that's a good, and a bad thing. I have found that trust is one of the most important things to have and that we should cherish wherever it can be found. A person whom you can truly, unconditionally, enjoyably, and respectfully trust will always prove to be the greatest asset. This does not transfer to the best friend who is trustworthy most of the time, but is neglectful with change of the seasons. This feeling comes from the ones who will always be waiting when it is your time to stand up. The ones to whom you can confide mountains. The ones to whom you wish the deepest amounts of pure and utter happiness for lifetimes to come. It is such an intense and overwhelming gratitude that I feel toward the family and friends that I can trust with every inch of myself. I trust them with my heart, I trust them with my soul, my feelings, my mistakes, and my successes. Although we all occasionally get burned by those who we THOUGHT we trusted with our concerns, secrets, etc., I believe we must prevail forward toward the next great person who might walk into our lives. There are definitely people out there who will hurt us, deep, deep down inside where it feels like the bleeding just ceases to stop. Nevertheless, there are those who will come to brighten our souls like never before. Those who will willingly and reciprocally give whatever it takes to make a beautifully blossoming relationship with us. We must not carry over the things that have broken us in the past. I must move forward with open arms, open eyes, and I must be open to trust; open to trust those who cross my path. The eye opening experience that can come from instilling my trust in people, although at times may seem unbearably risky, can only enlighten my one time experience that I have been given to relate, enjoy, and genuinely appreciate the people in my life.

Over and over and over and over...

Redundant work day in and day out. Oh, how I quickly become bored with doing the same thing every day. It's not that I don't like what I do, it's just that redundancy is swallowing me whole. I want to sail freely into new places and new ideas. I want to feel new emotions, be part of something uniquely interesting and weird. However, I suppose I am needed where I am at this point. In this very moment, I am wanted, in that same redundant schedule, visiting with the same people every day, eating the same lunch every day, and somehow I can usually be satisfied with that... for a moment.

Voices of Gratitude

I find myself extremely grateful today. I was feeling a little (a lot) bent out of shape about the money that I'm about to fork out to fix my car. My old, broken down, piece of shit car. My ragged, worn out car that has me spending about $700 every couple of months to fix it these days. However, on the ride home, I started thinking about how much complaining sucks. It really does. We all do it. But come on, when someone starts bitching about something, you know you don't REAALLLYY care about what they're saying. You just nod and say "yea, I feel ya." "No more complaining for me," I thought. I am blessed to have a car to drive. This first thought was the opener for all of the things that I realized I should be thankful for. I am extremely blessed to work in a low income area with many, many wonderful and optimistic co-workers and kids. Many of them live in undesirable circumstances, and many have only one car per household. (Here I am whining about MY car that can be easily repaired). Although living environments are far from the way most of my family and friends live, the people there seem to be much happier than most people I know. They bring a desired and much welcomed warmth to school; not sometimes, not here and there, but always. How I wish that I could be that perky and happy to be at school every day. I admire my kids more than anything. One of my students did not have running water at one point this year, and had to bathe in the neighbor's water hose. He is in 2nd grade. He should definitely not have to be subject to such. However, even though his life is hard at times (much harder than anything we usually, or, will ever have to deal with) he comes to school every day with a huge smile on his face and a peace in his heart. He and many others at the school spread their love and contentment so that the entire school is saturated with gratitude...gratitude for what we have, for what we are, and for what we can be. Thus, my lesson for the day, to which I will have to constantly revisit in hopes to instill my own sanity and understanding, is gratitude. Always remember to have gratitude.

October 12, 2010

     Today I received some very exciting news about my dear friend Michael Lyons. He has been sick for a week with pneumonia in both lungs, and has been on a ventilator for days. There was a point when the doctors said that he could "go either way." Slowly, they weened him off of the vent, and today he is standing on his own two feet. Through many prayers and anxious updates, this joyful event presents one annoyingly persistent thought, are there such things as miracles?
     I have always been one to have a high and confident relationship with spirituality. Or should I say, with my own spirituality. Because let's face it, no two peoples' is the same now is it? After much contemplation, I have come to determine that spirituality is what you make it. I definitely do not agree in whole group worshiping. Why would you believe something just because you are taught to? If each person is created differently, and "that's the way it is supposed to be," then why would a person conform to the beliefs of everyone else? While persevering through the most agonizing and disappointing times in my life, I finally accepted that I needed to configure my own beliefs in a way that they work for me. ME, and only me. I truly think that if every individual would form a relationship with his spirituality (whether it be with God, a higher power, or what ever he may believe in) that is unique and meaningful, it would empower people one by one and make our lives a much happier thing. To be able to find some sort of happiness in every moment of our lives is a great feat, but is well worth it. To not place doubts on our spiritual guidance in times of terror would be nearly impossible. However, if we can mold it to fit our lives, individually, we can find positivity in negativity. We can find hope where there is said to be none left to ponder. We can find joy in the worst pain imaginable. We can be better people in general. Why? Because we believe what we believe for a reason, and for reasons no one else needs to know.
       Since I have become a little off subject, let me get back to miracles. Do I believe in miracles? Well, let's see. I believe that there is a higher power. For me, I have to think this is true, otherwise I would have nothing to accredit works of true mystery. Sure, it could be scientific. Sure, it could be a fluke. Isn't that the definition of a miracle anyway? A great happening understood to be proven by no scientific evidence. In other words (a fluke).
        As much as I wish I could answer my own question, I am honestly stumped. All I know is that I will never give up hope or faith. These things make us stronger and much more peaceful, regardless if they truly exist or not. So here's to miracles, what ever they really are.